It has been three months since we first found out our sweet baby girl had died. I still hadn't unpacked her suitcase full of clothes and baby gear from our visit trip. I remember thinking when we got home that I'd just leave it packed so I could take it back when we went for our second visit trip in February. Since then, I just hadn't been up to doing it. Today I decided it was time to unpack it, sort out those things we might be able to use for another baby, and put away those things that are so uniquely Ariana that I know I wouldn't be able to bear to see them on someone else. It was incredibly hard to do. So many of the things in there, like her receiving blankets and towels, still hold her sweet baby smell. It's such a bittersweet thing, because I love that I can remember that smell, and yet it breaks my heart to know I'll never smell her again. I miss her so much, and not a single day goes by when I don't think of her. But, I know that this was an important step toward moving forward. We can't have a nursery full of Ariana if we hope to bring home another baby. It wouldn't be fair to either of them.
We don't have any news on what we will do next. We just pray that God will show us the path He wants us to take and that He will grant us the sweet joy of another baby soon.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Another sad milestone
Today Ariana would have been six months old. Instead, she was taken from us almost 2 1/2 months ago. We still miss her and think about her everyday.
Today, without me ever mentioning it, my 2 year old niece went and got the photo album of Ariana's pictures. She calls it the "Ariana Book". She brought it to me, climbed up on my lap, and began thumbing through the pages. She kept commenting things like, "Oh, she's so cute" or "Look how sweet!" just like adults do when we see babies. When we got to the end, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Are we still sad 'cause Ariana's still not coming home?" Yep, that pretty much sums it up. We're still sad, and she's still not coming home. I don't know what made her think to get that album out today-she hasn't looked at it in a few weeks. But, for some reason, she thought we needed to look today. And she was, of course, right.
Today, without me ever mentioning it, my 2 year old niece went and got the photo album of Ariana's pictures. She calls it the "Ariana Book". She brought it to me, climbed up on my lap, and began thumbing through the pages. She kept commenting things like, "Oh, she's so cute" or "Look how sweet!" just like adults do when we see babies. When we got to the end, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Are we still sad 'cause Ariana's still not coming home?" Yep, that pretty much sums it up. We're still sad, and she's still not coming home. I don't know what made her think to get that album out today-she hasn't looked at it in a few weeks. But, for some reason, she thought we needed to look today. And she was, of course, right.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Our plans for the future
It has now been over two months since our sweet baby died. I can hardly belive it because it sometimes seems like yesterday and other times a lifetime ago that I held her in my arms. But, we have come a long way towards healing in that time.
Several people have started to ask what happens now for us. We know waiting for Guatemala is a shot in the dark at best. So, after much thought and prayer, we have decided to pursue a domestic adoption. We have no idea how long it will take. Prospective birthmoms and families choose the adoptive family for their unborn child, so we will just have to wait to be chosen. In the meantime, we are cautiously following all of the leads that come our way and trying to come up with a financial plan. We ask that everyone continue to pray for us that we might be in God's will with whatever comes our way. We pray that we will have the wisdom to stay away from dishonest agencies, facilitators, and birthparents. And most of all we pray that God will place the perfect child for us in our arms at exactly His perfect time.
Since this blog is Ariana's and a tribute to her, when and if I have news about our domestic adoption plans, I'll post the link to a new blog for that journey.
Also, please do keep praying for the babies being born in Guatemala now whose birthparents don't have the option of making an adoption plan. Pray for the foster moms who no longer have work because there are no new adoptions. Pray for the government and all in positions of power to figure out a way to help these babies, birthmoms, and foster moms in a way that honors everyone.
Several people have started to ask what happens now for us. We know waiting for Guatemala is a shot in the dark at best. So, after much thought and prayer, we have decided to pursue a domestic adoption. We have no idea how long it will take. Prospective birthmoms and families choose the adoptive family for their unborn child, so we will just have to wait to be chosen. In the meantime, we are cautiously following all of the leads that come our way and trying to come up with a financial plan. We ask that everyone continue to pray for us that we might be in God's will with whatever comes our way. We pray that we will have the wisdom to stay away from dishonest agencies, facilitators, and birthparents. And most of all we pray that God will place the perfect child for us in our arms at exactly His perfect time.
Since this blog is Ariana's and a tribute to her, when and if I have news about our domestic adoption plans, I'll post the link to a new blog for that journey.
Also, please do keep praying for the babies being born in Guatemala now whose birthparents don't have the option of making an adoption plan. Pray for the foster moms who no longer have work because there are no new adoptions. Pray for the government and all in positions of power to figure out a way to help these babies, birthmoms, and foster moms in a way that honors everyone.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Today we should be celebrating Ariana's five month birthday. It makes me sad beyond belief that we aren't. I can hardly believe that she has been gone for a month and 19 days already. It doesn't seem possible. The rest of this post is going to be song lyrics to a Kenny Chesney song that says how I feel better than I can.
Who You'd Be Today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today
Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today
Today, Today, Today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday
Someday, Someday
Who You'd Be Today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today
Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today
Today, Today, Today
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday
Someday, Someday
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Praising God in this storm
Tonight as I write this, my cousin's baby is asleep on my couch with my dog standing watch over him. It is a mixed blessing. You see, I love that precious little boy with all of my heart, and he is a joy to watch. You can't help but smile when he looks at you with his big blue eyes and reaches for you to pick him up. And yet, every time I look into those blue eyes, I see a different set of eyes. Dark, dark brown eyes, set in the most beautiful face I have ever seen. And I think of how much I would have loved to watch sweet Ariana playing with her little cousin, him with eyes as blue as can be and her with eyes so brown you could get lost in them. And I realize that I will never get to have this experience. I'll get to watch that gorgeous little boy grow up into a handsome young man, but I'll never get to see what my sweet baby would have become and how she would have grown and changed. It hurts in ways that nobody who hasn't lost a child could ever fully understand.
But, even in the midst of all of that pain, I hear God whispering of all that I do have in my life, including the privilege of seeing my baby cousin grow and cuddling him while he sleeps. I hear Him gently remind me of the two handsome young men that are asleep in their bedrooms upstairs that I have been trusted to care for, love, and eventually send out into the world to make a difference. I am reminded of my amazing husband, who loves me more than I could possibly deserve, who goes off to work for weeks at a time so that I can be home with my nephews and my little niece every day, and who is, was, and will be again one day, the most wonderful father a child could ever have. He also reminds me of that one perfect week spent with Ariana before she died and of all of those amazing memories. And I am humbled by God's grace in allowing me to have all of this.
Someone (thank you, Shannon) posted a comment on this blog a few days ago that has really helped me in my grief. For anyone who doesn't know, my sister, Gayle, and my oldest niece, Nikki, were killed in a car accident in 2004. That is how I came to have the two amazing teenagers who have filled my life with love and chaos for the past few years. Shannon's comment reminded me of just how much my sister wanted to be an aunt. You see, she was the oldest of the three of us, and she had her children young. She always had to be the mean old Mommy while my little sister and I got to be the fun-loving, feed them a ton of sugar and take them home aunts. She wanted more than anything to get to be that fun aunt. It never happened while she was here on earth with us. Her first niece, my little sister's daughter, came along about 10 months after Gayle died. Ariana came just over three years after she had died. What Shannon pointed out to me, and what has brought me joy even in my sorrow, is that, finally, after years of waiting, Gayle gets to be that fun aunt. She gets to hold her sweet niece in her arms in Heaven. She gets to take care of my baby there while I take care of her babies (who are now teenagers) here. How can I not be joyful and praise God for that? His ways may not always be the ways I would choose, but they are always right. Thank you, Shannon, for reminding me of that.
Please continue to lift us up in your prayers. Pray for God's guidance in our lives and pray that we will follow where He leads. Pray for whatever is His will to be done in our lives. I feel all of your healing prayers and they help me get through the tough times and look toward the future.
But, even in the midst of all of that pain, I hear God whispering of all that I do have in my life, including the privilege of seeing my baby cousin grow and cuddling him while he sleeps. I hear Him gently remind me of the two handsome young men that are asleep in their bedrooms upstairs that I have been trusted to care for, love, and eventually send out into the world to make a difference. I am reminded of my amazing husband, who loves me more than I could possibly deserve, who goes off to work for weeks at a time so that I can be home with my nephews and my little niece every day, and who is, was, and will be again one day, the most wonderful father a child could ever have. He also reminds me of that one perfect week spent with Ariana before she died and of all of those amazing memories. And I am humbled by God's grace in allowing me to have all of this.
Someone (thank you, Shannon) posted a comment on this blog a few days ago that has really helped me in my grief. For anyone who doesn't know, my sister, Gayle, and my oldest niece, Nikki, were killed in a car accident in 2004. That is how I came to have the two amazing teenagers who have filled my life with love and chaos for the past few years. Shannon's comment reminded me of just how much my sister wanted to be an aunt. You see, she was the oldest of the three of us, and she had her children young. She always had to be the mean old Mommy while my little sister and I got to be the fun-loving, feed them a ton of sugar and take them home aunts. She wanted more than anything to get to be that fun aunt. It never happened while she was here on earth with us. Her first niece, my little sister's daughter, came along about 10 months after Gayle died. Ariana came just over three years after she had died. What Shannon pointed out to me, and what has brought me joy even in my sorrow, is that, finally, after years of waiting, Gayle gets to be that fun aunt. She gets to hold her sweet niece in her arms in Heaven. She gets to take care of my baby there while I take care of her babies (who are now teenagers) here. How can I not be joyful and praise God for that? His ways may not always be the ways I would choose, but they are always right. Thank you, Shannon, for reminding me of that.
Please continue to lift us up in your prayers. Pray for God's guidance in our lives and pray that we will follow where He leads. Pray for whatever is His will to be done in our lives. I feel all of your healing prayers and they help me get through the tough times and look toward the future.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Please continue to pray for us
We have been awed and humbled by the outpouring of love and sympathy we have received from our families, friends, and fellow bloggers. This has been the most difficult time of our lives, which is saying a lot if you know any of our family history. We have a lot of unanswered questions and things surrounding our daughter's death are not as they seem. Please pray for us to find the answers we need and for us to handle the information we receive in a way that honors Ariana and her foster family.
We also ask that everyone pray for the future of adoptions in Guatemala. In our hearts, we feel such a connection to this country and that our other children are there or soon will be. Please pray that the governments of Guatemala and the United States will hear the cries of these children and us adoptive parents and allow adoptions to continue and families to be formed. We are down, but not out. Our hearts are broken and will likely never be fully whole again, but we are also full of love for Ariana, Guatemala, and the people of Guatemala. Please pray that we will be able to share this love with another child of Guatemala soon. Also please continue to pray for Ariana's amazing foster family-Silvia, Gustavo, and their three children. They love sweet Ariana as their own and are having a tough time adjusting to life without her. Thank you for all of your love and support through this nightmare.
We also ask that everyone pray for the future of adoptions in Guatemala. In our hearts, we feel such a connection to this country and that our other children are there or soon will be. Please pray that the governments of Guatemala and the United States will hear the cries of these children and us adoptive parents and allow adoptions to continue and families to be formed. We are down, but not out. Our hearts are broken and will likely never be fully whole again, but we are also full of love for Ariana, Guatemala, and the people of Guatemala. Please pray that we will be able to share this love with another child of Guatemala soon. Also please continue to pray for Ariana's amazing foster family-Silvia, Gustavo, and their three children. They love sweet Ariana as their own and are having a tough time adjusting to life without her. Thank you for all of your love and support through this nightmare.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Rest in Peace, Sweet Baby Girl
Today we received a call that no parent should ever have to receive. Our precious baby girl, the light of my life, has died. She developed pneumonia and spent the last two days in the hospital receiving treatments. It was just too much for her little body to handle. There are no words to express the pain and loss we are dealing with. I know that God has a plan for us, and for her, but right now I am having a very hard time seeing what that plan might be. Please pray for us, for her foster family, and for her birth mom in this sad time.
To my precious Ariana Maria,
I would bear every bit of this pain again for just one moment with you. For one sweet week, I got to hold you in my arms and truly be a Mommy. It was the most amazing week of my life. I will remember you forever, sweet ninacita. Please know that you will always be a part of me. I love you so much, precious baby. I know the last thing I said to you was "Via con Dios". I didn't have any idea how true those words would be. I pray that you are safe in the arms of Jesus now and that you won't have to suffer anymore. Say hello to your Aunt Gayle and Nikki for me, baby. I love you, child of my heart. Always and forever.
Love,
Your Mommy
To my precious Ariana Maria,
I would bear every bit of this pain again for just one moment with you. For one sweet week, I got to hold you in my arms and truly be a Mommy. It was the most amazing week of my life. I will remember you forever, sweet ninacita. Please know that you will always be a part of me. I love you so much, precious baby. I know the last thing I said to you was "Via con Dios". I didn't have any idea how true those words would be. I pray that you are safe in the arms of Jesus now and that you won't have to suffer anymore. Say hello to your Aunt Gayle and Nikki for me, baby. I love you, child of my heart. Always and forever.
Love,
Your Mommy
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