Just wanted to say I miss you, sweet baby girl. Oh how I want to take you to ballet class, see your eyes light up as we see The Nutcracker or some other ballet for the first time. I want to put girly bows in your hair, buy you patent leather shoes, and play baby dolls with you. I love you always.
Love,
Mommy
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
3 years
How can it be that you have been gone from this Earth for 3 whole years? How can it be that nobody has heard your sweet giggle, smelled your sweet baby smell, or held you in their arms for 3 whole years? How can it be that my heart is still broken after 3 whole years? I miss you, baby girl.
Monday, December 27, 2010
December 27th
December 27th is a bittersweet day for me. It was on this day in 1996 that my sweet, beautiful niece, Nikki, was born. I remember it like it was yesterday. I drove my sister and Nikki's dad to the hospital in my truck because James didn't have a car and Gayle certainly didn't feel up to driving. My mom and dad were both still at work, and Tony and Drew (my nephews, the new big brothers) were still at the babysitter's house. I remember waiting in the hospital waiting room for a few hours before my mom arrived with the boys. Then I remember being sent home to put the boys to bed even though I REALLY wanted to be there when my niece arrived (and my sister wanted me there too, but James freaked at the last minute and begged my mom to stay instead since she "knew what she was doing"). So, with assurances from the doctor that it would be several hours, I left with the boys, drove the half hour home, and arrived there to find a message saying our sweet girl had arrived-20 minutes after I left. Regardless, I adored that child from the moment I laid eyes on her. She was undeniably my girl. While my sister was recovering, I walked the floor for hours with Nikki trying to calm her colic and crying. I took her to my college classes a few days when my sister wasn't feeling up to taking care of her. I took her any time and every place my sister would let me. She was as much like a daughter to me as a niece. So, on December 27th, I remember her birth and all of her birthdays. Then I remember the tragic accident that took her and my sister from us far too soon.
Fast forward to 2007: I was bound and determined to make more happy memories on December 27th, so that's when we scheduled a trip to Guatemala. On that day, my world changed forever. It was the day I met my first child-my daughter-in a hotel lobby in Guatemala City. She was tiny-just 3 months old and barely 8 pounds-and perfect. She gave me a giant smile the second her foster mom handed her to me and it was, again, love at first sight. I spent a blissful week holding my daughter, loving her, playing with her, laughing with her, and falling ever more hopelessly in love with this little human being I could hardly believe was my daughter. At the end of the week, it was so hard to leave her there. But, I already had plans to return 4 weeks later to visit her again. She was happy enough to go back to her foster mom, and I knew they were taking good care of her. December 27th was a happy day yet again. Then, just a few weeks later, we found out our beautiful girl had again, tragically, been taken from us far too soon when she died in her sleep. I don't even know how we got through that time in our lives. I don't really remember much about it other than it hurt worse than anything I have ever felt before or since. I know that I was sad, angry, and probably not very pleasant to be around. It seemed too cruel that another little girl was ripped from my life far too young.
So, December 27th is a bittersweet day. Sweet because it was the day when I met 2 of the most important people in my life. Bitter because both of them were gone long before I was ready to let them go. But, as with all things, time has given me a new perspective. If my sweet niece and sister were here, I would not have the privilege of raising my nephews. And if we had not had our special connection to Ariana and Guatemala, we might not have been chosen as Ben's parents. And if we had not worked with the agency for Ben's adoption, we would likely not ever have heard about our sweet Nico. So, with a few years of time and a lot of changes, I've come to accept that bittersweet is not always a bad way to feel.
Fast forward to 2007: I was bound and determined to make more happy memories on December 27th, so that's when we scheduled a trip to Guatemala. On that day, my world changed forever. It was the day I met my first child-my daughter-in a hotel lobby in Guatemala City. She was tiny-just 3 months old and barely 8 pounds-and perfect. She gave me a giant smile the second her foster mom handed her to me and it was, again, love at first sight. I spent a blissful week holding my daughter, loving her, playing with her, laughing with her, and falling ever more hopelessly in love with this little human being I could hardly believe was my daughter. At the end of the week, it was so hard to leave her there. But, I already had plans to return 4 weeks later to visit her again. She was happy enough to go back to her foster mom, and I knew they were taking good care of her. December 27th was a happy day yet again. Then, just a few weeks later, we found out our beautiful girl had again, tragically, been taken from us far too soon when she died in her sleep. I don't even know how we got through that time in our lives. I don't really remember much about it other than it hurt worse than anything I have ever felt before or since. I know that I was sad, angry, and probably not very pleasant to be around. It seemed too cruel that another little girl was ripped from my life far too young.
So, December 27th is a bittersweet day. Sweet because it was the day when I met 2 of the most important people in my life. Bitter because both of them were gone long before I was ready to let them go. But, as with all things, time has given me a new perspective. If my sweet niece and sister were here, I would not have the privilege of raising my nephews. And if we had not had our special connection to Ariana and Guatemala, we might not have been chosen as Ben's parents. And if we had not worked with the agency for Ben's adoption, we would likely not ever have heard about our sweet Nico. So, with a few years of time and a lot of changes, I've come to accept that bittersweet is not always a bad way to feel.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
3rd Birthday
Unbelievably, my sweet baby girl would have celebrated her 3rd birthday today. It doesn't seem possible that so much time has passed since I first saw her sweet face and since I last held her in my arms. I still miss her so very, very much.
Sweet Ariana,
Your family loves and misses you, especially today. I hope that you are having a big birthday bash in Heaven with Jesus at your side.
Love Always,
Mommy
Sweet Ariana,
Your family loves and misses you, especially today. I hope that you are having a big birthday bash in Heaven with Jesus at your side.
Love Always,
Mommy
Friday, August 20, 2010
Missing her....
I'm not sure why, but tonight I miss my sweet girl more than I have in a long, long time. For some reason, I keep picturing her beautiful little face and that first moment that I held her in my arms and she lit up the whole room with her precious smile.It's crazy how that moment seems as fresh today as if it had happened 2 days ago, not 2 and a half years ago.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Happy Birthday, Sweet Girl
2 years ago today, the most beautiful, precious baby girl was born in Guatemala. On that day, her mom made the heartbreaking decision to make an adoption plan for her precious baby.
2 years ago today, we were eagerly anticipating our referral for a baby girl from Guatemala. We had no idea if she had been born yet or not, what she would look like, or anything else. But we knew already that we loved her.
Neither us or her first mom had any clue 2 years ago just how short her precious life would be, or how much it would change all of us forever. If we had known, everything might have been different. Her first mom might not have made an adoption plan for her. We wouldn't have accepted her referral, and we wouldn't have flown to Guatemala a few months later to meet her. We wouldn't have happily bought adorable tiny baby girl clothes and shoes and started preparing her room. We wouldn't have joyful shown her beautiful pictures to anyone and everyone who would look at them. We wouldn't have spent hours chosing just the right name for her.
Lots of people might wish, in our situation, that they had known what the future would hold so they could protect their hearts and not go through the pain of losing that sweet baby. I, on the other hand, would choose it all over again. she was worth every tear, every heartbreak, and every painful moment. Just one of her smiles could fill the whole world with light. I miss her so very much, but I am so incredibly blessed to have been her Mommy, even for just a little while.
Today Ariana would have turned 2 years old. It is hard to believe so much time has passed because I can so clearly remember every detail of the moment we found out about her and the week we spent with her. It seems like both forever and yesterday since I held her in my arms. I take so much comfort in knowing that one day in Heaven, I'll hold her again.
Happy 2nd birthday, sweet baby girl. Your family loves and misses you very much
2 years ago today, we were eagerly anticipating our referral for a baby girl from Guatemala. We had no idea if she had been born yet or not, what she would look like, or anything else. But we knew already that we loved her.
Neither us or her first mom had any clue 2 years ago just how short her precious life would be, or how much it would change all of us forever. If we had known, everything might have been different. Her first mom might not have made an adoption plan for her. We wouldn't have accepted her referral, and we wouldn't have flown to Guatemala a few months later to meet her. We wouldn't have happily bought adorable tiny baby girl clothes and shoes and started preparing her room. We wouldn't have joyful shown her beautiful pictures to anyone and everyone who would look at them. We wouldn't have spent hours chosing just the right name for her.
Lots of people might wish, in our situation, that they had known what the future would hold so they could protect their hearts and not go through the pain of losing that sweet baby. I, on the other hand, would choose it all over again. she was worth every tear, every heartbreak, and every painful moment. Just one of her smiles could fill the whole world with light. I miss her so very much, but I am so incredibly blessed to have been her Mommy, even for just a little while.
Today Ariana would have turned 2 years old. It is hard to believe so much time has passed because I can so clearly remember every detail of the moment we found out about her and the week we spent with her. It seems like both forever and yesterday since I held her in my arms. I take so much comfort in knowing that one day in Heaven, I'll hold her again.
Happy 2nd birthday, sweet baby girl. Your family loves and misses you very much
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