Memories

A year ago today, my world came crashing down around me. I remember every detail like it was yesterday. Will and I were giving my niece a bath in our bathroom, happily laughing at her splashing around. My cell phone rang in the kitchen, and I ran to answer it. It was Inna, the agency director. She asked me if Will was home, and I said yes. She then asked me to have him come to the phone as well. That's the point when I got a sick, sick feeling in my stomach. Of course, we had my niece still in the bath, so I had to wait a minute for him to get her out and wrapped in a towel. Then I put Inna on speaker phone, and she said, "I don't even know how to say this. Especially to you. I'm so sorry, but I got a message....and the baby has died." I had been prepared to hear that her birthmom had decided to parent her, but I wasn't prepared to hear that. I think I was too in shock at that moment to even realize what exactly she had said and what it meant. After that, I remember calling my mom, my sister, my friend Karen, and pretty much everything else is a blur for the next few days. All I can remember is feeling despair and sorrow like I had never known before. I remember feeling certain that this was God's final word on me being a mommy-and it was no. I remember being on my knees literally begging God for some kind of peace in the storm my life had become. I think my family was probably very worried about me at that point-I was barely able to function. Will and the boys were my rock, and my reason for hauling myself out of bed. I thought it would never stop hurting. Now, a year later, I can't say that the pain has stopped, but it is no longer so harsh and so completely consuming. And I know that God wasn't telling me I wouldn't be a mommy, but rather that he had allowed me to be a mommy to Ariana for a brief time, and then to Ben. What a difference a year has made.