They Say It Gets Easier. They Lie.

In September of 2007, I was full of hopes and dreams.  Seven years into marriage with Will that was perfect for me even though it wasn't perfect.  Two nephews that I loved more than life itself thriving in our home in spite of their mom, my sister's death.  Waiting for the day a referral would come through from Guatemala and we would FINALLY at long last have a baby of our own seemed to take forever, but my heart KNEW without a doubt that our day was coming. 

A few thousand miles away in Guatemala, a woman gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on September 26, 2007.  She made what had to have been a crushingly difficult decision to allow her precious daughter to be adopted.  I don't know why she made that decision-perhaps she couldn't afford a baby, perhaps she had big dreams for her baby to have opportunities and options she didn't have herself, perhaps her family didn't approve and she was just scared. I'll probably never know the why, but I will always remember how hard that decision must have been for her in that moment.  

We didn't find out our baby had been born for a few more days-it take some time to get all the paperwork together and sent between two countries.  But in October, we got the call from our adoption agency.  There was a baby girl for us to consider.  Will was floating somewhere on a boat in the ocean and I was sitting in the office of our adoption agency when we first saw her little face appear on the computer screen.  She was perfection.  Everything I had ever dreamed about.  Will and I were thousands of miles apart from each other and from her, but a family was born that day.  It was one of the best days of my life.

A few short months later, we were on a plane headed to Guatemala City to meet our daughter and spend a week with her.  It was December 27th, 2007 when a lady walked into the most beautiful hotel lobby I've ever been in holding a giant bundle of blankets that contained our 3 month old baby girl. The minute her foster mom uncovered her sweet little head and she looked at me, she broke out in a giant gummy baby smile and I fell head over heels in love.  She was perfection.

For one short week, my sweet girl was in my arms.  I barely put her down the whole time and she was such a sweet and happy baby.  Quick to smile, rarely crying, and loving to snuggle she was everything I could ever have wanted.  My heart was full.  My arms were full. 

 I wish I could have stayed while we waited for all the adoption paperwork to be complete, but I had my nephews at home and a budget that wouldn't allow me to stay for an unknown length of time in a hotel. Leaving her with her foster mom was so, so hard but I knew she was so loved by them as well and I trusted that they would keep her safe and loved until I could return a few weeks later to visit her again.  I had no idea that when I whispered how much I loved her and how I couldn't wait to be back with her in a few weeks that it would be the last time I saw her.

Early in the morning of January 7, sweet Ariana Maria drifted away in her sleep and never woke up again. Her foster mom found her unresponsive when she went to check on her in the night.  Nobody really knows what happened.  Perhaps aspiration pneumonia.  Perhaps SIDS.  Unfortunately infant death is not that uncommon so no autopsy or untying like that was done.  

Our Guatemalan attorney didn't inform us of her death for another full week, so by the time we got that awful call that our daughter was gone, she had already been buried.  I'll never forget that call.  I was in the bathroom giving my little niece a bath when the agency called.  That call was one of the worst moments of my life.  My sweet baby was gone and I didn't even get to be there for her burial.

This month, Ariana Maria Noemi Merida Barrera Griggs should have turned 17.  Seventeen.  I wonder often who she would be if she were here with me.  My only consolation is that now her Daddy is with her, giving her all the love we didn't get to give her on Earth.

I read a quote once that said "Grief is the price of love".  It is so true. The love I have for sweet Ariana has nowhere to go, so it falls down my cheeks in rivers of tears, just like the love I have for her Daddy.  I miss them so desperately.  I'll leave you with the lyrics to a song that sums up how I feel about this time of year:Summer has come and passed

The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my fathers come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my father's come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September ends
Wake me up when September

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOJqRknAKVE

9 Years Old

September 26, 2007 changed my life forever, and I didn't even know it was happening at the time. Somewhere in Guatemala, a beautiful lady named Maria gave birth to a precious baby girl. I was thousands of miles away and completely unaware that my first born child had arrived in this world. In fact, I didn't find out for another few weeks-October 10 to be exact. 

Here we are, 9 years later. I thought I would be celebrating with you, watching you grow into a beautiful young lady day by day. Sadly that wasn't to be and you quietly slipped from this world just a few short months later.

I may have only held you in my arms for a short week, but I have held you in my heart every day since the day I saw your pictures. Happy birthday in heaven, my beautiful daughter. I love you forever. 

I miss you, sweet Ariana Maria

5 years...

How can it be five years since I met you for the first time and held you in my arms, baby girl?  I remember every moment like it happened yesterday.  You were all bundled up in a fuzzy blanket, wearing a red hooded sweatshirt with Minnie Mouse and a pair of the sweetest little jeans (on top of 2 onesies, a pair of tights and 2 pairs of socks! Your foster mom sure didn't want you to be cold when it was 65 degrees outside!).  Sylvia carried you into the lobby of the Grand Tikal in a snuggli carrier.  We recognized you the minute she uncovered your sweet head.  Daddy and I had to ask one of the hotel staff to help translate the quick conversation about your schedule, likes, dislikes, etc with Sylvia before she left.  She had tears in her eyes when she handed you to us because she loved you and would miss you while you were in my arms.  You looked at us a little strangely for a few minutes, not quite sure what to think of these new people.  Then Daddy made a silly face at you and you broke out in a giant grin that lit up the entire lobby.  It was love at first sight.  You were a Daddy's girl instantly.  But you also snuggled right into my chest and stared into my eyes like you wanted to know everything about me as much as I wanted to know about you.  That week with you was a dream, sweet angel girl.  I can't imagine anything more beautiful and perfect than having nothing to think about besides you and how amazing you were. If we had known we would only have that one week, I don't know if I could have let myself love you so completely.  Today, as I remember that moment of meeting you, the lyrics to that old Garth Brooks song keep echoing in my head....

And I am glad I didn't know the way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance.  I could have missed the pain.  But I'd have had to miss the dance.

Baby girl, you were and are worth the pain.  I'm glad we danced here on Earth for a week.  And I can't wait to dance with you in my arms again in Heaven.

Mommy loves you always and forever.

Miss you, baby girl!

Four years ago, I sat in the window of our hotel room at the Grand Tikal Futura, holding you in my arms as we watched the New Year's fireworks all over the city and up into the hills around the city.  It was so beautiful, and you were so fascinated by the lights and sounds that you stayed up for an hour in the middle of the night watching them.  I loved watching your face as you watched them.  I loved holding you in my arms and knowing that we were ringing in the year that you would come home.  I had no idea that you would be going to your Heavenly home rather than to our home.  I think of you every time I see fireworks.  Their beauty could never outshine yours.  I love you, baby girl.

Just wanted to say I miss you, sweet baby girl. Oh how I want to take you to ballet class, see your eyes light up as we see The Nutcracker or some other ballet for the first time.  I want to put girly bows in your hair, buy you patent leather shoes, and play baby dolls with you.  I love you always.

Love,
Mommy

Four

Happy Birthday, my beautiful girl!  I miss you every day.
All my love,
Mommy

3 years

How can it be that you have been gone from this Earth for 3 whole years?  How can it be that nobody has heard your sweet giggle, smelled your sweet baby smell, or held you in their arms for 3 whole years?  How can it be that my heart is still broken after 3 whole years?  I miss you, baby girl.

December 27th

December 27th is a bittersweet day for me.  It was on this day in 1996 that my sweet, beautiful niece, Nikki, was born.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I drove my sister and Nikki's dad to the hospital in my truck because James didn't have a car and Gayle certainly didn't feel up to driving.  My mom and dad were both still at work, and Tony and Drew (my nephews, the new big brothers) were still at the babysitter's house.  I remember waiting in the hospital waiting room for a few hours before my mom arrived with the boys.  Then I remember being sent home to put the boys to bed even though I REALLY wanted to be there when my niece arrived (and my sister wanted me there too, but James freaked at the last minute and begged my mom to stay instead since she "knew what she was doing").  So, with assurances from the doctor that it would be several hours, I left with the boys, drove the half hour home, and arrived there to find a message saying our sweet girl had arrived-20 minutes after I left.  Regardless, I adored that child from the moment I laid eyes on her.  She was undeniably my girl.  While my sister was recovering, I walked the floor for hours with Nikki trying to calm her colic and crying.  I took her to my college classes a few days when my sister wasn't feeling up to taking care of her.  I took her any time and every place my sister would let me.  She was as much like a daughter to me as a niece.  So, on December 27th, I remember her birth and all of her birthdays.  Then I remember the tragic accident that took her and my sister from us far too soon.

Fast forward to 2007: I was bound and determined to make more happy memories on December 27th, so that's when we scheduled a trip to Guatemala.  On that day, my world changed forever.  It was the day I met my first child-my daughter-in a hotel lobby in Guatemala City.  She was tiny-just 3 months old and barely 8 pounds-and perfect.  She gave me a giant smile the second her foster mom handed her to me and it was, again, love at first sight.  I spent a blissful week holding my daughter, loving her, playing with her, laughing with her, and falling ever more hopelessly in love with this little human being I could hardly believe was my daughter.  At the end of the week, it was so hard to leave her there.  But, I already had plans to return 4 weeks later to visit her again. She was happy enough to go back to her foster mom, and I knew they were taking good care of her. December 27th was a happy day yet again.  Then, just a few weeks later, we found out our beautiful girl had again, tragically, been taken from us far too soon when she died in her sleep.  I don't even know how we got through that time in our lives.  I don't really remember much about it other than it hurt worse than anything  I have ever felt before or since.  I know that I was sad, angry, and probably not very pleasant to be around. It seemed too cruel that another little girl was ripped from my life far too young.

So, December 27th is a bittersweet day.  Sweet because it was the day when I met 2 of the most important people in my life.  Bitter because both of them were gone long before I was ready to let them go.  But, as with all things, time has given me a new perspective.  If my sweet niece and sister were here, I would not have the privilege of raising my nephews.  And if we had not had our special connection to Ariana and Guatemala, we might not have been chosen as Ben's parents.  And if we had not worked with the agency for Ben's adoption, we would likely not ever have heard about our sweet Nico.  So, with a few years of time and a lot of changes, I've come to accept that bittersweet is not always a bad way to feel.

3rd Birthday

Unbelievably, my sweet baby girl would have celebrated her 3rd birthday today.  It doesn't seem possible that so much time has passed since I first saw her sweet face and since I last held her in my arms.  I still miss her so very, very much. 

Sweet Ariana,
Your family loves and misses you, especially today.  I hope that you are having a big birthday bash in Heaven with Jesus at your side.

Love Always,
Mommy

Missing her....

I'm not sure why, but tonight I miss my sweet girl more than I have in a long, long time.  For some reason, I keep picturing her beautiful little face and that first moment that I held her in my arms and she lit up the whole room with her precious smile.It's crazy how that moment seems as fresh today as if it had happened 2 days ago, not 2 and a half years ago.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Girl

2 years ago today, the most beautiful, precious baby girl was born in Guatemala. On that day, her mom made the heartbreaking decision to make an adoption plan for her precious baby.
2 years ago today, we were eagerly anticipating our referral for a baby girl from Guatemala. We had no idea if she had been born yet or not, what she would look like, or anything else. But we knew already that we loved her.
Neither us or her first mom had any clue 2 years ago just how short her precious life would be, or how much it would change all of us forever. If we had known, everything might have been different. Her first mom might not have made an adoption plan for her. We wouldn't have accepted her referral, and we wouldn't have flown to Guatemala a few months later to meet her. We wouldn't have happily bought adorable tiny baby girl clothes and shoes and started preparing her room. We wouldn't have joyful shown her beautiful pictures to anyone and everyone who would look at them. We wouldn't have spent hours chosing just the right name for her.
Lots of people might wish, in our situation, that they had known what the future would hold so they could protect their hearts and not go through the pain of losing that sweet baby. I, on the other hand, would choose it all over again. she was worth every tear, every heartbreak, and every painful moment. Just one of her smiles could fill the whole world with light. I miss her so very much, but I am so incredibly blessed to have been her Mommy, even for just a little while.
Today Ariana would have turned 2 years old. It is hard to believe so much time has passed because I can so clearly remember every detail of the moment we found out about her and the week we spent with her. It seems like both forever and yesterday since I held her in my arms. I take so much comfort in knowing that one day in Heaven, I'll hold her again.
Happy 2nd birthday, sweet baby girl. Your family loves and misses you very much

Hope

Tonight I went to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert with my sister, cousin, and another lady. During the concert, he talked a little about his sweet Maria who died last May in a tragic accident. She was his youngest daughter, adopted from China. I cried the whole time because I was thinking of his tragedy, and of ours. He stood on the stage in front of 1000's of people and bared his soul. It looked very much like mine-he is full of questions about why his daughter died, and he struggles to remember that God is in control and has a plan. It sure was nice to hear that I'm not the only one who struggles with that. You might have noticed that I added a youtube video of his song "Cinderella" to this blog. That's because he reminded me tonight that, although I will never watch Will dance with our sweet girl here on Earth, I have HOPE because God has promised that I can watch them dance someday in Heaven. Even more than a year later, I sometimes need that reminder.

Memories

A year ago today, my world came crashing down around me. I remember every detail like it was yesterday. Will and I were giving my niece a bath in our bathroom, happily laughing at her splashing around. My cell phone rang in the kitchen, and I ran to answer it. It was Inna, the agency director. She asked me if Will was home, and I said yes. She then asked me to have him come to the phone as well. That's the point when I got a sick, sick feeling in my stomach. Of course, we had my niece still in the bath, so I had to wait a minute for him to get her out and wrapped in a towel. Then I put Inna on speaker phone, and she said, "I don't even know how to say this. Especially to you. I'm so sorry, but I got a message....and the baby has died." I had been prepared to hear that her birthmom had decided to parent her, but I wasn't prepared to hear that. I think I was too in shock at that moment to even realize what exactly she had said and what it meant. After that, I remember calling my mom, my sister, my friend Karen, and pretty much everything else is a blur for the next few days. All I can remember is feeling despair and sorrow like I had never known before. I remember feeling certain that this was God's final word on me being a mommy-and it was no. I remember being on my knees literally begging God for some kind of peace in the storm my life had become. I think my family was probably very worried about me at that point-I was barely able to function. Will and the boys were my rock, and my reason for hauling myself out of bed. I thought it would never stop hurting. Now, a year later, I can't say that the pain has stopped, but it is no longer so harsh and so completely consuming. And I know that God wasn't telling me I wouldn't be a mommy, but rather that he had allowed me to be a mommy to Ariana for a brief time, and then to Ben. What a difference a year has made.

Anniversary

Ariana Maria Nohemi

September 26, 2007 to January 7, 2008

Today marks the first anniversary of Ariana's death. One year ago, January 6, 2008, she fell asleep for the night, never to awaken again. I miss her so very, very much. I know that, in Guatemala, there are two more moms, her foster mom and her birth mom, who are also missing her tonight. I pray for God's peace and that He will hold each of us in His hand as we once again mourn the daughter we all love.

One year ago....

One year ago today, Will and I were in our car, driving to Chicago for the journey of a life time. One year ago today, I was nervous, frantic, and excited beyond measure because I knew that in less than 24 hours, I would be in Guatemala, holding my precious baby. One year ago today, all was right in our world. We met our baby girl, Ariana Maria, on December 27, 2007. She was three months and one day old. She was perfection-all smiles, giggles, and coos. Love wrapped in a tiny blanket was handed to me in the lobby of the Grand Tikal that day. We spent six amazing days with our precious miracle, and they are days I will never forget.

A year ago, when I thought of 2008, I pictured visiting Guatemala again in February, dressing Ariana all in red and hearts for Valentine's Day. I pictured Will and I holding her on an airplane as we traveled back home to Indiana, together forever at last. I pictured her in my arms watching the fireworks on the Fourth of July, at the State Fair in August, running around at the soccer fields in September, at the pumpkin patch in October, sitting in her highchair at the Thanksgiving table, and wearing the most beautiful dress, smiling for Christmas pictures. I never once pictured Ariana in Heaven. That thought never entered my mind.

The past 365 days have held more pain and sorrow than I could ever have imagined, even after losing my sister and niece in 2004. But, they have also held more love, joy, and beauty than any one person should ever expect to receive. The six days we had with our beautiful daughter were more than some ever have with their sweet babies who are never even born. And Ariana's life has brought us so many blessings in so many ways. Through her adoption, we have found friends in unexpected places, strength we never knew we had, and even more reason to live every minute to its fullest. We will always miss her and we will mourn her death for the rest of our lives. However, losing her also brought us to a joy beyond anything we ever believed possible because it brought us straight to our son, Ben. If not for Ariana, we would never have been in the right place at the right time to be Ben's parents. If not for Ariana, Ben's birthmother might never have chosen us as Ben's parents because our love for Guatemala is what made us her choice. We owe much to our sweet baby girl, and she will forever be in our hearts.

The loss of another sweet little girl....

My heart is overflowing with sadness at the news that another family has lost their sweet daughter in Guatemala. The story of precious Josi and her family has touched my heart in ways I never could have imagined a year ago. To see her beautiful face and read about what happened, go to http://www.azhderianfamily.blogspot.com I ask that everyone please lift them up in prayer at every opportunity. I know the horror of losing a child, and I know it must be so much worse for them given the circumstances.

Hearing Josi's story brought back all of the emotions I remember from the day we learned of Ariana's death. That, coupled with the fact that last year at this time we were eagerly waiting to meet our sweet girl, has caused me to stop and think again about the impact she had, and still has, on my life. I thank God every day for her, and for the privilege of being her mom, even for such a short time. She was, and will always be, my miracle, the daughter my heart yearned for, and the answer to so many prayers. I pray that she, and Josi, will always be remembered that way.

First Birthday

Today our sweet baby girl would have been one year old. Sometimes it is hard to believe that time has continued to march on even without her smiling, beautiful face in the world. It is even harder to believe that she has been gone for more than 8 months because it seems like just yesterday that we were standing in the lobby of the Grand Tikal holding her in our arms for the very first time. She stared at us with such curiosity for about two minutes, then let loose one of those precious, beautiful smiles while looking right into my eyes. It is a moment I will carry with me forever in my heart.

Today is a bittersweet day for our family. Sweet because we are so very grateful for the time we had with Ariana. Bitter because we weep with sadness that Ben will never know his sister and the world will never know our beautiful daughter.

Today is also a day filled with hope, for we know that one day we will be reunited with our sweet baby when we all get to heaven. Someone once told me that "nothing is lost if you know where it is." I cling to that thought daily. Ariana is not lost, just waiting for us in heaven.

11 months...

Sweet baby girl, Mommy loves you and misses you everyday.

10 months

Today Ariana would have been ten months old. I still think of her every single day, and I see her in some of the things Ben does. I was reading a book by a Christian author this week, and it really made me step back and think about sweet Ariana and all that happened in our lives. We prayed so long for a miracle, for a baby to love. And then, just when it seemed like we were getting that miracle, Ariana was gone. But, this book I've been reading made me really re-think that way of thinking. It mentioned the story in the Bible with Elijah on the mountain. It reminded me to look for God's miracles in the gentle whispers, not necessarily in just the big, obvious things. So, I started making a list of God's miracles that came about because of Ariana's short life. Here are just some of the ones I came up with: l. We made life-long friends in Guatemala when we met her amazing foster family on our visit trip. 2. We made life-long friends who were on the adoption journey with us (Scott and Karen, Chanan and Rachael, Greg and Trisha, and many others.) 3. We got to experience first-hand the beauty of flying in over Guatemala-the volcanos, all the beautiful plants, etc. 4. Losing Ariana made us appreciate even more every moment we had with her, and every moment we have with anyone we love. 5. If Ariana were here on Earth with us, Ben wouldn't be a part of our family-we wouldn't have been ready at the right time. There are so many other miracles in the gentle whispers surrounding Ariana's life and death. The biggest thing, though, that I was reminded of by the book I read this week is that EVERY child, no matter how they join your family, is only on loan from God. They all belong to Him, and we should just enjoy and cherish every moment that we have with them. So, sweet Ariana, you were on loan from God to us for far shorter of a time than any of us would have liked. But, God, in His perfect way, has used your life and death to touch so many other lives. You, precious daughter of mine, will always be remembered as the miracle that God loaned to us for three short months. And, I think your cousing Belle said it best when she told me not to be sad because "Ariana is in Heaven and Nikki is holding her." (Nikki is my niece that died, for any who don't know.) We'll see you in Heaven one day, sweet baby!