Missing her....

I'm not sure why, but tonight I miss my sweet girl more than I have in a long, long time.  For some reason, I keep picturing her beautiful little face and that first moment that I held her in my arms and she lit up the whole room with her precious smile.It's crazy how that moment seems as fresh today as if it had happened 2 days ago, not 2 and a half years ago.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Girl

2 years ago today, the most beautiful, precious baby girl was born in Guatemala. On that day, her mom made the heartbreaking decision to make an adoption plan for her precious baby.
2 years ago today, we were eagerly anticipating our referral for a baby girl from Guatemala. We had no idea if she had been born yet or not, what she would look like, or anything else. But we knew already that we loved her.
Neither us or her first mom had any clue 2 years ago just how short her precious life would be, or how much it would change all of us forever. If we had known, everything might have been different. Her first mom might not have made an adoption plan for her. We wouldn't have accepted her referral, and we wouldn't have flown to Guatemala a few months later to meet her. We wouldn't have happily bought adorable tiny baby girl clothes and shoes and started preparing her room. We wouldn't have joyful shown her beautiful pictures to anyone and everyone who would look at them. We wouldn't have spent hours chosing just the right name for her.
Lots of people might wish, in our situation, that they had known what the future would hold so they could protect their hearts and not go through the pain of losing that sweet baby. I, on the other hand, would choose it all over again. she was worth every tear, every heartbreak, and every painful moment. Just one of her smiles could fill the whole world with light. I miss her so very much, but I am so incredibly blessed to have been her Mommy, even for just a little while.
Today Ariana would have turned 2 years old. It is hard to believe so much time has passed because I can so clearly remember every detail of the moment we found out about her and the week we spent with her. It seems like both forever and yesterday since I held her in my arms. I take so much comfort in knowing that one day in Heaven, I'll hold her again.
Happy 2nd birthday, sweet baby girl. Your family loves and misses you very much

Hope

Tonight I went to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert with my sister, cousin, and another lady. During the concert, he talked a little about his sweet Maria who died last May in a tragic accident. She was his youngest daughter, adopted from China. I cried the whole time because I was thinking of his tragedy, and of ours. He stood on the stage in front of 1000's of people and bared his soul. It looked very much like mine-he is full of questions about why his daughter died, and he struggles to remember that God is in control and has a plan. It sure was nice to hear that I'm not the only one who struggles with that. You might have noticed that I added a youtube video of his song "Cinderella" to this blog. That's because he reminded me tonight that, although I will never watch Will dance with our sweet girl here on Earth, I have HOPE because God has promised that I can watch them dance someday in Heaven. Even more than a year later, I sometimes need that reminder.

Memories

A year ago today, my world came crashing down around me. I remember every detail like it was yesterday. Will and I were giving my niece a bath in our bathroom, happily laughing at her splashing around. My cell phone rang in the kitchen, and I ran to answer it. It was Inna, the agency director. She asked me if Will was home, and I said yes. She then asked me to have him come to the phone as well. That's the point when I got a sick, sick feeling in my stomach. Of course, we had my niece still in the bath, so I had to wait a minute for him to get her out and wrapped in a towel. Then I put Inna on speaker phone, and she said, "I don't even know how to say this. Especially to you. I'm so sorry, but I got a message....and the baby has died." I had been prepared to hear that her birthmom had decided to parent her, but I wasn't prepared to hear that. I think I was too in shock at that moment to even realize what exactly she had said and what it meant. After that, I remember calling my mom, my sister, my friend Karen, and pretty much everything else is a blur for the next few days. All I can remember is feeling despair and sorrow like I had never known before. I remember feeling certain that this was God's final word on me being a mommy-and it was no. I remember being on my knees literally begging God for some kind of peace in the storm my life had become. I think my family was probably very worried about me at that point-I was barely able to function. Will and the boys were my rock, and my reason for hauling myself out of bed. I thought it would never stop hurting. Now, a year later, I can't say that the pain has stopped, but it is no longer so harsh and so completely consuming. And I know that God wasn't telling me I wouldn't be a mommy, but rather that he had allowed me to be a mommy to Ariana for a brief time, and then to Ben. What a difference a year has made.

Anniversary

Ariana Maria Nohemi

September 26, 2007 to January 7, 2008

Today marks the first anniversary of Ariana's death. One year ago, January 6, 2008, she fell asleep for the night, never to awaken again. I miss her so very, very much. I know that, in Guatemala, there are two more moms, her foster mom and her birth mom, who are also missing her tonight. I pray for God's peace and that He will hold each of us in His hand as we once again mourn the daughter we all love.

One year ago....

One year ago today, Will and I were in our car, driving to Chicago for the journey of a life time. One year ago today, I was nervous, frantic, and excited beyond measure because I knew that in less than 24 hours, I would be in Guatemala, holding my precious baby. One year ago today, all was right in our world. We met our baby girl, Ariana Maria, on December 27, 2007. She was three months and one day old. She was perfection-all smiles, giggles, and coos. Love wrapped in a tiny blanket was handed to me in the lobby of the Grand Tikal that day. We spent six amazing days with our precious miracle, and they are days I will never forget.

A year ago, when I thought of 2008, I pictured visiting Guatemala again in February, dressing Ariana all in red and hearts for Valentine's Day. I pictured Will and I holding her on an airplane as we traveled back home to Indiana, together forever at last. I pictured her in my arms watching the fireworks on the Fourth of July, at the State Fair in August, running around at the soccer fields in September, at the pumpkin patch in October, sitting in her highchair at the Thanksgiving table, and wearing the most beautiful dress, smiling for Christmas pictures. I never once pictured Ariana in Heaven. That thought never entered my mind.

The past 365 days have held more pain and sorrow than I could ever have imagined, even after losing my sister and niece in 2004. But, they have also held more love, joy, and beauty than any one person should ever expect to receive. The six days we had with our beautiful daughter were more than some ever have with their sweet babies who are never even born. And Ariana's life has brought us so many blessings in so many ways. Through her adoption, we have found friends in unexpected places, strength we never knew we had, and even more reason to live every minute to its fullest. We will always miss her and we will mourn her death for the rest of our lives. However, losing her also brought us to a joy beyond anything we ever believed possible because it brought us straight to our son, Ben. If not for Ariana, we would never have been in the right place at the right time to be Ben's parents. If not for Ariana, Ben's birthmother might never have chosen us as Ben's parents because our love for Guatemala is what made us her choice. We owe much to our sweet baby girl, and she will forever be in our hearts.

The loss of another sweet little girl....

My heart is overflowing with sadness at the news that another family has lost their sweet daughter in Guatemala. The story of precious Josi and her family has touched my heart in ways I never could have imagined a year ago. To see her beautiful face and read about what happened, go to http://www.azhderianfamily.blogspot.com I ask that everyone please lift them up in prayer at every opportunity. I know the horror of losing a child, and I know it must be so much worse for them given the circumstances.

Hearing Josi's story brought back all of the emotions I remember from the day we learned of Ariana's death. That, coupled with the fact that last year at this time we were eagerly waiting to meet our sweet girl, has caused me to stop and think again about the impact she had, and still has, on my life. I thank God every day for her, and for the privilege of being her mom, even for such a short time. She was, and will always be, my miracle, the daughter my heart yearned for, and the answer to so many prayers. I pray that she, and Josi, will always be remembered that way.